Well, I'm in a slump again.  At least I know it.  I misplaced my pills (found em today in my bottom drawer), and haven't taken them in a month.  I just keep doing that and I am really irritated with myself.  I need a centralized location and some kind of alarm.  When I'm like this it feels like I'm just waiting for something stressful to happen so I can go crazy, and everything seems stressful.  Between preparing for a friend's wedding, having my brother accuse me of some awful things, and having someone telling facebook they were going to tackle and stab me (long story),  I had a nervous breakdown and locked myself in my room for a good chunk of time and cried in the dark.  Eventually K came by because she was worried and sat with me in the dark and cried along with me.  Finally she convinced me to come with her to her place, and treated me like the infant I was acting like until I was feeling a bit better.  I don't know what I would do without her, and to be honest I don't feel like I have earned the selflessness she shows me consistently.  Some people make the world a better place just by being themselves and K is one of them.
     These last few weeks have been so so stressful.  Thank goodness M&M are finally married, that took up a lot of time, energy, and money I didn't have.  I am really really happy or them though.
     Also baby girl fell down the stairs and busted the hell out of her arm.  She had to be taken up to children's primary for surgery.  Now she has to wait a week to be put in a cast because of the swelling, and I'm so so worried she won't make it that long.  Oh, did I mention that my husband is leaving tomorrow for a week and I'll have to figure all this shit out alone?  My pills won't start working again for a few more days.  God what I wouldn't do for a zanax or the money for head. :(  

Humm,,,

When I was a little girl I saw an episode of StarTrek, where a girl on board has an imaginary friend that is evil.  I saw an opportunity!  I would lay in our bed, (my brother and I shared a room) and shake my body for a few minutes and wake up as another girl.  This other girl's goal?  Beat the CRAP out of her little brother.  Jimmy took my torture for years because he looked up to me.  That makes him my very best friend in the world.  The funny thing is that I look up to him more than he knows.  Anyway...where was I oh..

 I also had long games of pretend with my friend Melanie (I'll go into it later), was a member of a club house, and was pretty much using my imagination all the time.  I still remember a game I would play doing dishes, in which the penalty for loosing was being eaten by a dragon.  What the hell ever happened to that imagination?  I'm just a Kinko's copy of myself.  The one bright, vivid, creative, spot in my life are the nightmares.  So some part of my imagination must work well, but it's not a lot of fun. 

Jimmy Eat World - The Middle

So, I never have the effin time to do these, but I do so love the idea of them, so today I picked The Middle by Jimmy Eat World.  May not be a unique song (everyone everywhere knows it), but it has always well described my life.


Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away

It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

yeah....

I love school.  I don't remember loving school when I was a kid, probably because I didn't get to cook for five hours and go home when I was a kid.  Every morning I happily wake up get ready, grab some coffee and drive to 12th st.  First thing to do is prepare salad and grill cart.  It's the most tedious boring part of the day (though it only takes 20 minutes).  When I can I hide in the classroom because the people standing around the teacher are the ones who usually get stuck doing it.  However, the benefit to being by the teacher is you're there when she hands out assignments, so it's a trade off.  Chef comes out of her office with a handful of recipes that must be made for the day and passes them out and we all scurry for ingredients.  The thing I love most about their kitchen is that it's decked out and well stocked.  Plenty of work space, rows of ovens, huge pantry with everything you can think of, dry storage, walk in freezer.  Need a lemon zester, salad tosser, egg slicer?  I'm using tools I had never even heard of.  I used a mandolin yesterday.  I've made a ton of things and I learn something new every single day.  Did you know when an apple goes bad it releases a gas that spoils all the fruit around it?  Hence one bad apple spoils the whole bunch.  Or that you shouldn't boil an egg only simmer it, if it boils the egg often gets to hot to fast and the yolk turns green.  Won't hurt ya but it's not pretty to plate.  I get to take the recipes home with me too and make them at home.  I made a cheeseburger soup that was fantastic today and I can't wait to make it for the family.  After my assignments are done I usually try to slip into the classroom to study a bit.  We're expected to read a chapter a week, answer questions on it, and test out with 80% or better.  We also have videos on each chapter to watch and computer activity's.  I only get an hour study time (sometimes I don't get any study time if I'm doing something to involved), so I end up with a lot of homework, but it's fun.  I have more time to study on Fridays cuz we don't want to cook as much and have it spoil over the weekend.  Most of what we make goes to catering parties or the school cafeteria.  I passed my veggies chapter with a 95% today and my fruits chapter with 91%.   I almost wish I could stay for a few more hours but I have to get Kailee to school and the kids miss me when I'm gone.  I love having a reason to wake up early, I love getting good scores and being praised, I love creating something I've never made before, I love wearing my crisp white chefs coat and cap like I see on TV all the time, I love being exhausted at the end of the day and crashing at 9 pm, I love how proud Ken is of me and how proud I am of myself, I love setting this example for my kids, I love all my schoolmates and I love my sous chef and chef.  I don't love math so much though.  Yeah, I  guess that's all...

quickness
current
warmth
I sense the change go over
I love it when I feel this way
I 'get off' on it
I enjoy making myself intense
to the left, connection
to the right, convenience
what I need is sleep
can't
I am warm
I am soft
I am moist
they know what they're doing
they've done it so many times it could be a song
contract, release
flowing like spiders spinning a web
ebb and flow 
only moments later and the dance comes to a crescendo I go weak in the knees
the world's in perfect clarity
primal
empowered
sensations for which there are no words take deep root and I slither like a snake in the hot sun
then the darkness falls and I am in my room again
the room comes into focus
careful not to wake him I go to wash my hands

Culinary School

I cannot explain the joy I'm beginning to feel with my life as of late.  My depression pills are working and the cloud has been lifted.  I feel so good about the state, I've never felt this happy for this long.  I'm in culinary school right now and I now look forward to my husband kissing me awake for school at 6:30.  I look forward to curling up in bed at 10pm because I have new goals I need to accomplish.  Getting ready alone in the dark together, feeling like the only two people on Earth.  New common ground for us and the prize for not getting to see each other for a week is that we chatter away for hours when we can manage.  There have many nights where we started a movie, only to sit and talk the night away in each others arms.  Worse is when I should be doing homework.  But our need to talk and touch trumps homework.  On occasion I'll let one child or the other sleep in our bed.  To fall asleep holding my husband and child is my version of divinity.  Anyway, I love food.  The food given was a deep part of what shaped me as a person. It began with bowls of ramen in Japanese shops, tempura given to us by the neighbors.  Japan gave a love of ginger.  Yokan in sweet rolls and pokey sticks on the porch.  Hawaii had a nice bit of food too.  The Filipinos next door would make lumpia for us.  FYI poi is not so good.  Moving around the US was nothing to being abroad.  Having an elderly Italian woman make homemade pasta is something I'll carry forever.  We often took trips to Various parts of Europe and one of my top priority's was sampling the cuisine of the people, by the people.  The wine we bought in the store we lived on top of was made 100 yards from our door.  I have been on a quest for it for years now in the with no luck.  The brand was just to small.  The ability to feed my children nutritious meals that they will eat makes me incredibly satisfied.  My children's minds are being shaped with each and every bite I feed them.  Not only will their brains grow better when nourished, but their approach to why and how much to eat as well as their pallets being developed now.  Food is number one on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  I do seem to be eating less since school though, not enough time!  My life each and every day consists of 630 wake up call and back home by noon, get Kailee ready for school and drop her by 1230.  Court's school at 230 and Kailee's at 330.  Then I have a few hours to study, clean, or sit and stare at a wall for hours (the latter being my favorite).  Then school at 630 and home by 830.  The last hour between 830 and 930 is my favorite.  The kids are in bed and Ken and I sit together and he shows me how to do my math homework.  He makes it easy and gets so proud when I get it right that I just want to get another one so I can turn back that little twinkle in his eye.  He of course is very well versed in math, proving yet again that if god were real, he's fucking rude.  Couldn't share some of the amazingness with me could ya?  Dick hole.  It's all good though because he here to ride with me off into the sunset in a computer in hand.  This kinda turned into a stream of consciousness entry I suppose.  Marry Xmas.             

Wow

A half an hour, for real?  For real?  You are magic and goodness and bliss, all rolled up in one goofy package.  Bet you feel pretty self satisfied right now don't you?  I would.  You solved the riddle, found the grail.  Even today I'm getting goosebumps thinking back.  Only now you're going to torture me with it, which know you're getting a huge kick out of, and you're so very wonderful, but this might not be a good thing.  A person can actually get to much of a good thing.  Could I die?  That sounds stupid, but I really am actually concerned.  Enough so, that I'm going to finish this and start researching.  I'm just speechless, I had no idea a thing like this even existed. let alone for me.  I don't think you did either.  I wonder if everyone's the same.  It doesn't seem normal or you'd think I would have heard about it.  If I was with anyone else I have no doubt that information would have been lost forever.  Oh and though the north fell by the wayside in my thoughts, it was amazing all on it's own too.