Monday, May 10, 2010

Mommy issues...

     My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic.  Textbook.  All the cool movies that you've seen about people who think the government is watching them, things being bugged, pulling weird symbols out of nothing like in A Beautiful Mind, yep, she exists and she's my mom.  The whole family has been trying to get her help for years to no avail.  After all "they" are in charge all things to do with psychology and the pharmaceutical industry.  I hear this is a common theme amongst people with mental disorders, especially my mother's variety.  About a year ago my father went on a business trip and came home to find all the joint accounts drained, and a bunch of her stuff gone.  A few weeks later we found out she was divorcing my Dad, and running all over the country away from "them."  We have no idea where she is to this day, however we receive about 6 emails a day full of conspiracy ramblings.  Every time I receive one I open it right up and read it.  Why I read the emails I'll never understand, it's not good for me.  I spend the first hour laughing my butt off, and the next hour crying my eyes out.  I need to just give her up all together, but I can't seem to let go, and I can't help her.  She's so interesting, but then it becomes painful, and I can't help but spend half the day thinking about it.  Mom thinks the government controls most of corporate America, so I get daily lists of good corporations and bad ones.  Just to warn you, if you ever buy products from anheuser busch, bp, general electric, etc, then you're funding government raids, shakedowns, and harassment, for no other reason than to toy with your mind.  Also, big brother can send a pulse from anywhere and zap you, or overload your appliances.  If you ever even put a finger into an unlit room, someone from China will grab you and abduct you on the spot, which is why you need at least 4 light on in every room at all times, and never ever go out at night even if it's life or death.  It is life or death.
     My Mom knows how she sounds to me and others when she says these things.  She won't tell just everyone, and she'd prefer not to tell even us.  But we're her children and it is her job to keep us safe and alive, even if we're going to call her crazy or drop off contact with her altogether.  These emails she sends are her way of protecting us, they're really the ultimate act of love she can give in her frightened crazy state.  But they make me cry, a lot.
     I'm scared for her and I feel so sorry for her.  I'm also afraid I will become her.  When my mother was young everyone just thought she was a little off, the older she got, the more off she became.  I don't want to slip down that scary path.  The whole thing is a frustrating, upsetting, loop with no end and I just wish there was a happy answer, there isn't.  Oh by the way, she can't be locked up unless she's either violent, or suicidal, neither of which I can prove, even if I did find her.