Sunday, November 28, 2010

I'm so upset.

I can't believe this happened to us.  Growing up we believe my Dad's love for us would never change no matter what.  Now he's chosen to side with my step mom to the point where he doesn't even want to see us anymore.  He used to be so balanced and cool, and just the right amount of strict, we think the sun and the moon of him and we thought he returned the sentiment.  I really tried to like her.  I was so happy for my Dad for not being alone.  I liked her even before I met her.  However, she started to chip away at my respect like a wilting rose in the fall breeze.  Amongst her many transgressions are things like, drinking and driving, kissing my best friend, belittling my father behind his back, I have a suspicion she's spending his money, bashing us behind our backs, she's an alcoholic in the true sense of the word, she's incredibly crude and ill mannered, everything she owns is plaid and from walmart which she loves to brag about. she tells my Dad that we are selfish and inconsiderate creatures who have the worst of intentions.  He eats up every oily word.  I lived for my father's praise.  I judged my self esteem based on his praise of me.  As an adult I took up shooting to be close to him, I watch old movies because we watched them together.  My father made me feel like I was his little girl and he would have my back forever more.  That I was a good person and did well for myself and that I am intelligent and moral.  My brother felt the same.  We were the three amigos and no one would ever come between us.  As it turns out all it took to brake that bond was a woman whispering nasty little nothings.  What shall I now believe?  My idol just told me that I was always a selfish, inconsiderate, bad person.  It's like finding out santa clause is a child molester.  I feel half gone.  I can't get my bearings.  I'm so messed up right now. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Four dream vacations on my list.

Through the beauty of the internet I've been researching some fun vacation spots, though most are far away a girl can always dream.  So without further adieu...

The Island of The Dolls

This lovely scenic attraction comes complete with thousands of dolls hanging from the beautiful trees in the canals of Xochimico near Mexico. Their severed limbs, decapitated heads, and blank eyes adorn trees, fences and nearly every available surface.
The story goes that the island’s only inhabitant, Don Julian Santana, found the body of a drowned child in the canal some 50 years ago. He was haunted by her death, so when he saw a doll floating by in the canal soon after, he hung it in a tree to please the girl.  He also did this to appease the evil spirits of the island who come out every night.  Don Julian grew crops as trade for his precious lovely's and didn't mind if the dolls were in good condition, or missing parts.  Many of the dolls were fished out of the river, our dug out of trash piles.  His only contact was his nephew who would come take food in trade for dolls.  One day he came upon the old man singing.  Don Julian told him that the mermaids were calling him to join them in the depths and the only way to discourage them was singing.  Later that day the nephew found him floating along the canal face down in the same canal his beloved ghost had drowned in many years before.  Now days you can tour this lovely island of macabre souls, and boy would I like to!

Aokigahra Forest
Has such rich thick trees that the forest is dark, even at high noon.  Hanging from those trees?  Dead bodies.  Apparently the trend is to go down to this forest with your favorite noose grade rope and end your sad sad life.  What's the problem, you probably weren't using it anyway right?  The bodies have now totaled around 500, prompting officials to post signs saying things like   
"Life is a precious thing! Please reconsider!" or "Think of your family!" 
The Sedlec Ossuary
In the small town of Sedlec in Czech someone sprinkled holy water in the graveyard of a little abbot.  From that moment on people from all over Europe to bury their dead.  Without enough space to put all these wonderful dead things, the priests came up with the only obvious solution, use them as decorations for the church!    
Today, the Sedlec Ossuary is a chapel famous for being decorated with tens of thousands of human bones, including a chandelier built using every bone in the human body.  I have a hard time even contemplating the amount of work that this must have taken.

Lizzie Borden B&B
Lizzie Borden had an axe, gave her father forty whacks, when she saw what she had done she gave her mother forty one.  All the evidence pointed to Lizzie, she had motive and means, but this was 1892.  Surely the demure women of the 1900s didn't just up and hack their entire families to death?  Nope.  And so little Lizzie got away scott free.  She even gave her father's head to her lawyer as a thank you for all his hard work.  Now days you can stay at the b&b and much of the house is the same as the day of the murders.


That's it for now, but there so many more I've forgotten!  I'll have to come back to this.  In the mean time it's time to start saving money, anyone want to join me for a macabre vacation?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

What to say, what to say.

Come on.  Get the hell over it.  I know why your emotions are all over the place, 42 hours of hell will do that to anyone, but you're not aloud to take it out on the person you love most in the world, who is going out of their way to help you.  I don't know why I even feel the need to dwell on this, we've resolved it, but you were being asinine and childish and it's hard to not go over it again and again.  All I wanted was to embrace and talk like we've done all our lives, but I got cold hard silence.  Looking out the window.  For being the person I admire most in the world you sure can act like a jack ass sometimes.  btw, I do love you most, so stop questioning it.  This should not even be an issue, but since you are occasionally insecure about it (for no good reason), I want to say point blank I LOVE YOU.  Good, now I never have to deal with it again right?  Done? Thank goodness.  I wanna tell you in person, but I have to settle for blogging.  So I guess if you're done being an over sensitive drama queen, we can get back to normal.  I can't really get to mad at you for the retarded anger and sadness, if I had spent 42 hours in cramped hell I would have been pissed too.  But since I can safely hide behind my blog, lemme just say you were acting like a stupid, childish, whiny asshole.  I'm not really all that cool with it, but for your sake I will forever pretend to be.  I was already having kind of a shitty day, and you taking out your completely misplaced anger on me just made it all the worse.  I'm not here to be the butt of everyone's mental instabilities, I have my own.   I'm glad you're finally starting to feel better now though so we can move on and pretend this never happened.  We're family and so I can't ever be mad at you long, our bond is far to deep to break over this petty ass shit.  Thanks for not listening.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Dear So & So

Though it's probably not the right day, I feel the urge to write.  My life seems so tumultuous right now, though it's only in my head I'm sure.  I feel I'm constantly battling myself and no one sees or understands why I can't cope with this carmed life of mine.  Anyway, without further adieu...

Dear Innocent,
I am scared to death of how strong my feelings are getting for you.  I don't know if everything will be pulled from under me and I will be left brokenhearted.  You are now so deeply in our lives that we count on you and you on is.  I would be crushed, torn to shreds.  This fear make me want to push away from you, don't get attached, she's not yours.  It also makes me want to love you all the more, spoil you, help you, talk with you, I just want to hug you to my breast.  It's quite conflicting, though it's not in anyway your fault.  I love you.

Dear Ann Frank,
I love you so much and I have been trying very hard to help you.  But you aren't the same person you were and there seems to be no way to get you back.  I am exhausted from trying.  So I have been distancing myself from you, which you've noticed and I'm sorry for that.  I just don't know what else to do.

Dear Crash Test Buddie,
I feel guilty when  think of or look at you, it's makes things hard.

Dear Peanut Butter,
You have no idea how grateful I am for you and how much I love you.  Thank you for being you, for me.

Dear Me,
When will you get yourself together?  When will the ride stop so I can get off?  Fail.