Some messed up crap has been going on around me lately, and for once I think it's helped me to grow as a person, funny how we keep growing and learning even when we're grown. For the last few months it feels like the whole world just wants to pick a fight with me, and I keep trying not to fight back because I hate the drama, but some of the time I find it next to impossible not to pop off back at them. I figured out the reason it's so hard. When someone wants a fight they play on things that they think will get to you, not really caring if what they say is truth or not. But when someone does that, I look inward, assuming that if they said it it must be true. That is bad self esteem hidden under the banner of self reflection. I just recently found out that an acquaintance was telling our mutual friends that I'm a bad Mom, and a bad person. I had decided not to engage her, to just be zen, but the next time I saw her, out came the snide remarks. The problem wasn't really her, it was me. My goal has been just to try to keep my mouth shut, but the goal should really be, not allowing any person to make me upset to start with. She hit on a something I worry about, and I felt a subconscious need to stick up for myself. What I need to work on is just feeling good about myself in every regard. I am a damn good Mom and I need to believe it. If I really thought I was pretty, smart, and a good person, than I wouldn't get upset. For instance, if someone said I have ugly boobs or ugly freckles I would laugh them off and would feel in the least bit compelled to throw a mental punch back. I like my freckles, so the whole thing would just seem silly. Well, I vow to like the rest of me enough to laugh off anything anyone can throw. Period.
Also, sometimes being rational with someone just won't work and it's better not to try, which is another thing I recently learned. There are some people that don't really have an interest in working things out, they just plain want to take out aggression on you for one reason or another. I will no longer be taking part in any argument, even if I'm clearly in the wrong, unless I can see that the person on the other end has the goal of peace, understanding, and strengthening our relationship. It's a waste of mental energy to argue for the sake of arguing.
Last thing. I am proud to say that I like my imperfect body. I am a healthy, average looking girl, and I am happy with that. It's time I drop the silly insecurities because they don't make me happy, so why worry about it? Wasting all this life, time, mental energy on something so superficial was retarded enough, but when you add the fact that it's all going to go away as we age, I'm now shaking my head as to why I ever bought into the bullshit in the first place. I just don't care anymore. I like me. It's not about having what you want, it's about wanting what you've got.
I plan to buy a bikini and wear it. I like my body and if other people don't than they don't have to look. I will just inwardly laugh and feel a little sorry for then because they are still the kind of people who care about something as silly as looks and it's probably making them as unhappy as it used to make me.
